Saturday, January 3, 2009
Once again, I'm not sleeping and the hurt is spilling over into the front of my mind and blurring my focus. The holiday has come and gone. It was wonderful to be with the people I love and I know value me for how I am and who I am. Bursts of understanding, these flairs of truth just spark me into this ultra reality and oddly calm the underlying dread of never being able to untie the knot I have tied to a person, for nearly my entire life. Now finding how they were wriggling and manipulating the knot to choke any chance of understanding how little, how small I was no matter how much I gave. For give is all they wanted to see from me. If I wasn't giving, the math was wrong. No wonder I add to subtract. I add. I add. This has only subtracted from me? That can't be. I must have more because I gave more. Pardon myself by pardoning others. I deserve more than leavings and scraps. I deserve more.