Sooooo, it is Tuesday, and THAT means chemo day. Shit, I hate chemo day. I feel like this whiny ungrateful asshole, after My Mom sits so patiently ALL day right next to me, in what can't be the most comfortable chair after five hours straight. But I really hate chemo day. The anti-nausea drugs that they are doubling up on now, actually make me nauseated. The new drug (which rhymes with Yemen but I can't remember the real name) irritated my vein so now I feel like my whole arm is bruised. The old steroid that they gave to counteract the side effects of the chemo had too many side effects of it's own, so now I have a new steroid and it's side effects. It makes your heart race, which mine does all on its own, and I feel all speedy and yet still tired .... like I have been up for four days straight, which I sure as hell haven't. Seems I can barely stay awake through a conversation anymore. Which, if you had a conversation with me lately can get interesting. Kinda like Phoebe on "Friends." Nearly everything sounds a bit like "You know, the thing with the stuff!!! You know. The THING! With, the STUFF!" I know what I mean, and poor you if you don't.
It is official. I have Desitin Derriere. The radiation has reached the peak where all the good stuff in my gut had been murdered by the sanitation crew in the Radiation Department. They are so intent on sweeping any cancer cells out of the irradiated zone that any good stuff that would work to, you know digest and turn food into nutrients, vitamins and minerals are gone with the wind.....well, the wind is another story. I did that for the first time on the Radiation table and was dying the entire time of worry. Waiting for the techs to come in and detect me and my; 5 hours of chemo, heated blanket, Eva Cassidy on Pandora, squeaky little butt bubble.
I missed the Santa Party on saturday. I know that all my family had fun and I wish for them to have fun but MAN, it hurts to know, and see it go on without me. I love them all, and miss them all so much. My levels are low enough but high enough right now to be above transfusion level, but infection... nu-uh. Todd has a big bad cold so I can't even go to my parents.
One super good thing I know that has made this better is music. During radiation they play a Pandora station of your choosing and I chose the Eva Cassidy station. She is not only a magnificent vocalist she holds a major place in my heart. So, when that music starts, even if it isn't one of her songs, just someone in her vein, I am at ease. I don't count each pulse of radiation, each rotation of the machine. I breath more easily. I hum. The treatments don't take as long and I feel less tense afterwards. There have been only two days where the music was different, one when the Oldies was left on accidentally from the last patient and I was nervous and tense the entire time. The other was when the tech purposefully chose the Adele station, which I liked, but not as much. My Mom has been indulging me (well, when doesn't she?) and letting me play cd's on the way to and from treatment, and that has been not only fun, but part memory lane and a reawakening as well. Music. If I can't eat food, I'll eat song.