“Sour, sweet, bitter, pungent, all must be tasted” Chinese proverb.
Fitting tastes to hold in my mouth with the news of my latest PETscan. Had the scan on the 14th, on the 21st talked to my Radiation Oncologist ... no new cancer. BUT. Yup, the sour and bitter with the sweet. My kidney is enlarged and the ureter is partially blocked, he wants me in with a Urologist ASAP. He meant it. Saw the urologist the next afternoon, he brought in a surgeon and I am going in on Monday for an outpatient procedure to have a stent put in. Then, we will see how it goes and if a further surgery is needed. I have been telling every doctor since my hysterectomy that I am having trouble urinating, it just isn't right. I am not healing well, I don't feel right. I tell every one that has ears that hear. This is since November. I have had three major UTIs, even stayed in the ER overnight with IV antibiotics one was so bad, but it was all jumbled up with chemo, radiation and recovery from surgery. Well, looks like this is a problem from the surgery. Either scar tissue or a misplaced stitch. I have been in so much pain, from just eating and drinking, anything since surgery, I just thought that was how it was going to be. So, checking for cancer found something else to fix. I heard stories like this in the waiting rooms at Huntsman. How cancer actually saved lives. Finding an aneurism that would have killed a woman within weeks while they scanned for tumors, taking one of her kidneys saved her life early so that they could save her life from cancer later.
The same day I got the news, after crying from sadness and frustration from being so ready to be done and feeling better, then to being mad... just mad that I had been telling Doctors for months that something was wrong, and no one could hear me over all of the cancer noise, I decided to not go home, I went grocery shopping. I went to one of my most favorite stores, Good Earth. If you know me, you know why. It is a hippie dippie store. All health food, all yummy and no bunnies were harmed in the making of any cleaning or make-up products sold there. I was distracted by the day, distracted by just going out shopping at all. I haven't done a full on shop for quite a while. When I finally (and I mean finally) got to the check-out, I was $5 short. I hadn't counted correctly (so, SO not like me) and I was mortified. I put my head in my hands, doing my best not to bawl, then immediately asked if I could put back something. I grabbed the first thing out of the top of the bag, my Yerba Matte tea, expensive and should take care of the balance. He looked and looked for it on the register, hesitated, thought about calling a manager, then pulled out a twenty from his pocket and paid the extra five himself. I hung my head and just started to cry. I gave him the tea and asked him to take it, he said he didn't want it and handed it to me and told me to have a good day. I couldn't breath anymore. I walked out of the store with my cart, sat down in my car with my groceries and cried, like I am now. After a while, I felt able to write a note of thanks that I took in with the cart. He just told me to have a good day, most likely as embarrassed by thanks as I am by kindness.
My Mom says I have to learn to be humble. Yet, an aspect of humility is an understanding of ones inferiority, and at that particular moment, boy howdy did I feel inferior. I admit, I feel more comfortable giving kindness than receiving it. Always have. If I had the five dollars I would have given it, gladly.