Note to self, and everyone else: After a whole day and night of crying, before dancing in your living room to Barenaked Ladies first put on a bra.
I have been stifling a serious cry for about two weeks now. I finally let go last night when the right song was playing while I was in the right/wrong state of mind. I have been in this perpetual grateful temper since the whole Cancer began and I think I made a move to stretch my temper beyond thin. I Facebook stalked Neil. He is on his third marriage, happy and a step father to two boys. At first I was "Oh, of course he is. That is what he does. Nothing to see here." Then, two weeks went by and after not sleeping, being irritable for no reason, just stupid sad for no reason then this Barenaked Ladies "Off the Hook" song comes on my car stereo as I am coming home from my parent's last night and BAM I knew what it was.
He has no idea. I decided to love him how ever long ago for how ever little the speed bump of time it was in his relationship marathon of a life, I dared to give him myself. I gave him parts of me no one else has seen, and that includes the sexual part. He is free and clear living his life, while I literally carry the scars of sleeping with him. There is no way to make it even, no way to even make a dent. I was actually disappointed in myself for wanting to find a way to hurt him in those few moments while I was driving home, because I knew all it would do is hurt me.
The dancing came later, after much late night self reflection, friend and of course Mom talk. I put the song on my stereo and decided I would listen to it again, in the light. I started to dance. Then I started to cry. Then while I was dancing and crying my unchained breasts started to flap against my chest and I started to laugh while I was crying thinking how ridiculous I was to be crying in the first place.
Grateful Temper restored.
Bra to be determined.