When Stephie was dying she started to give away her possessions. When she asked me what I wanted, there was only one item. A blanket. When we were young my Mom made the three of us these fantastic blankets called Snug Wraps. They were a kind of snuggie, homemade with quilt ties and velcro snaps at the appropriate places so you could basically wear your blanket. Me, Todd and Stephie loved them. They were all different fabrics and just fit us. Well, Todd being a brother borrowed mine (take it out of the closet cuz it was there borrow) for an outing with his friends and it never came home. So, when I knew Stephie was leaving this Earth I only wanted that one blanket; that was made for her, by my Mom with love, that looked like her and every time I smelled it I would think of her and when she gave it to me to sleep with the last time I slept at her house she was embarrassed that it had a stain, the one thing I wanted, but I just laid there and cried touching the stain over and over.
I have a lot of blankets, people have made them for me, I have bought them and many many have been given to me. I had one specifically sent to me by my Aunt Sue to use during my chemo that is wonderfully light and warm that makes me smile every time I see it. The one blanket I haven't been able to use during all of this is My Stephie blanket. I used to get so much joy in putting it on my bed, I would just smile when I would see it in my cupboard. Now, there is such grief mixed with guilt that if I were to cover myself with it I don't know how long it would take me to stop crying. I get to wrap myself in her memory whenever I dare.