I want someone that thinks I am funny, even when I am not. Someone that understands why I try too hard or not at all. Someone that lets me take care of them as much as they take care of me. Someone to whom I dare expose how truly terrified I am. How embarrassed I am. Someone that eats like I do, that laughs like I do, that loves like I do. I need a best friend and I don't need sex, I am so over that. I understand how irrational many of these needs and wants are yet I still need and want. I need to differentiate between wants and needs. I want to be truly vulnerable without the fear of evaporating. I want to stop feeling pain. Feeling alone in my pain.
This is why I write it. This is why I lived with bunnies. Why I will live with bunnies again.
I am my someone right now. And then. And for the foreseeable future. Explains me talking to myself. I felt a peace as I typed that. More than I have recently when I would ruminate on my future "alone" existence.
The voicemail on my home phone (shock horror I have a landline) remains the same as when I changed it during chemo. I kept thinking how little help my Bunny Boys were when I couldn't get to the phone fast enough (yes, toilet joke) or when I was at the hospital for treatments. I mean what a couple of loafers. Seriously no help at all. Peanut tried to chew my catheter after my Uretal Reimplant surgery because it got in his way but that isn't what this blog is about, it's about my voicemail. And messages left on it.
My outgoing message goes "Hello! You've reached Heidi, Peanut, and Pickle! If Peanut or Pickle could come to the phone right now this wouldn't be happening. Please leave a message! Thank You!" My name is spoken very clearly. As well as two lovely freeloader loves of my life unhelpful bunnies. I have subsequently left my voicemail the same as it is technically true. If they could, they would. 💖🐇
Flash to the present day, and EVERY TIME my therapist's office calls to confirm an appointment and leaves a message. "Hello, this message is for HEE-DEE." Not Heidi, not Hay-dee, not even Hi-Die (which has happened.) Without fail, HEE-DEE. Is this a new thing where words are being pronounced the opposite of their historical pronunciation? The new fad to LITERALLY change words, i.e literally? It makes me laugh.
Should I try being HeeDeE? Like Sarah Jessica Parker's SanDeE in "L.A. Story?" Just in my head.
