Uncharted

I have been tense. Feeling tense and not knowing why I felt tense made me tense. Then I stopped, and thought. My Mom told me I am a good thinker. I trust my Mom, so I just laid on the bed and thought. Of course there was a bunny running in and out of the room, binkying on the bed, sticking his nose in my face reminding me how much I love having them in my life, in my apartment, in my face. Between laughing at Pickle have the time of his life chewing and leaping, climbing and nosing, and me just reaching a calm that hadn't been there for more than a week, I realized why I was so tense. My body had been actually holding the "what now" status of my everyday that has moved from cancer cancer cancer, to I HAVE NO IDEA! I am in this strange limbo, a flip side to the hospital waiting room. There is waiting, but waiting for what? I still have to wait for more scans, but now less frequently. I may have to wait for years to ever know if cancer will come back. In life there is always waiting, yet this is different. There is a slowing down, and a slowing down of the urgency to feel the scare, the danger of losing the life. Now, how to feel THIS life? I smile all the time. I am grateful for the smallest things. There is this want for more, yet I tell myself "in time, in time." Then the scare comes back and time feels so fragile. Now to gauge where I am able, sure enough in my body AND my mind to step full into the summer sun and stick out my face.