I don't care what sins I have committed, how negative I have become. I just want him back. I want him. I am so cold. I don't know what to do with my hands. They have no place, no pleasing. I have never been good at pleasing people but I could always please him. I am not pleased. I am not warm. I don't see colors like I think I should, the way I remember. I remember sweet breath and brown sugar. Now, it is open air, no where to be and no hurry, no hurry. I feel such shame for having ever wished away a moment of a day, a week, of my life. That wishing was wasted time that could have been better spent with him. He never knew. I know. I could have loved better with him. He loved best with me. I live best when I love. I still want to love him. I still want.