A Christmas Wish

When asked what I was up to, I answered "oh Cancer, Cancer all the time. It is the All Cancer Network here." And it seems to be that, truly. When the phone rings it is someone asking about cancer, or a someone from the Huntsman Cancer Hospital. My fluids, my food, my bathroom trips all revolve around cancer. My sleep, my pills, my level of nausea.... I can't seem to watch a Christmas special without having it somehow reveal something about cancer and what is now omnipresent in my life. The little bitterness's that used to be part of just an every day existence, don't weigh so heavy anymore. Those societal pressures I used to stack on top of the pressures I felt on my own, they simply don't matter anymore. I just want to be well enough to enjoy the holidays with my family. I want to be with my bunnies and give them as much love and joy as they give me. This Christmas isn't going to be about me giving presents, for I haven't done any shopping and I won't be able. I am the one receiving this year. So much love and care I barely know where to put it all. All the wonderful people I meet every day at Huntsman, their kindness and the stories they so freely share with me. My beautiful aunt Ruthie, and her knitting club that knitted hats for me. Strangers that sent love to me, made from their hands. My parents, every day giving so much of themselves I would never in a countless lifetimes be able to repay them. I know I had made a Christmas wish before, to not have chemo and radiation and that it had not come true. It feels so selfish to wish for something like that, when there are so many gifts given to you, and you never had to ask. Sounds strange to hope to find luck, even grace in this cancer. But if it is there, I hope I find it.