It's Mom's Birthday today so we ran errands and went to lunch. I had an appointment to hand in paperwork and go over my yearly rental recertification. As I sat in the waiting area before the appointment a rather large gentleman sat on the other side of the room, facing me. He was fidgeting, shuffling his feet. He wore a large backpack and it forced him to sit a bit forward. All of a sudden he rips a very loud fart.
You see, the fart was trapped under his thighs and butt cheeks. Then it ricocheted off the flat surface of the chair so the volume of the fart expanded like a trumpet BLATTTT! He initially looked around like he himself was curious about where the sound originated, then barked "I have heartburn!"
If that wasn't funny enough, the secretary was on the phone and when she heard the butt ruckus, leaned to the left to get a perfect picture of the culprit. Her WTF face is the stuff of legends.
Then Mister Fartburn pulls his backpack out from behind his back and continues to bark "I hope I didn't sit on IT?" I'm thinking, oh honey, you sat on it. But he's fiddling with a cannister of pepper spray that is hooked to the bottom of his backpack. "It has a carabiner! I got it from the police. You can spray it at... COYOTES! You can spray it at... MOUNTAIN LIONS! You can even spray it at Rattlesnakes! They just roll away."
I kindly engage and watch his fingers as he keeps flipping the pepper spray and think at least getting pepper sprayed in a waiting room would be a good story. "It's SPICY!" I say I have no doubt it is.
He does have heartburn.
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