Buying It

Costco Stories

Shopping at Costco with The Moms and a friendly lady stops us, points at our MEGA FULL cart and says "You're spending all of your inheritance!" We all giggle and then I say, "More like MY inheritance!" And we giggle some more.

These are moments I live for. Strive for. Random, silly, human breakthroughs that pierce the veil we use to protect us daily. Sometimes all it takes is a comment, a question, a smile.

Mom with her kiddo in the basket of their cart, eating the sample they just picked up, is next to me and I joke with her "Whaaaaaaat? They have kids on sale today?" She laughs, "Oh yeah, soooooo cheap. Wait, I mean free!"

The Moms and I take breaks when we shop at Costco; my leg, her knee. We sit on the couches or the recliners on display, and not only do we get back some of our energy, we enjoy top notch people watching. Our favorite is peeking into the World of Carts.

You can tell this couple is Keto, this couple is most definitely not. The single guy with only many and various meats probably has a BBQ planned and most likely will not be inviting the young lady in the yoga pants with only protein drinks and a watermelon. So many people and so many carts full of stories.

All this. In one Costco. In one city. In one afternoon.

Blaze On

So, last night after leaving my "Living With Chronic Pain" workshop and all the healthy healing talk about fruits and vegetables, I decided to stop at Maverik for a bag of chips. On my way out of the store, I walked past a twenty-something adorable young lady wearing a bright lime green corduroy half-blazer. Being me, I didn't hesitate to tell her about it.

Me - (being unpolite and pointing right at her) That is the cutest blazer!
Young Lady - OMG! I KNOW RIGHT! It's my Mom's from the '80s.
Young Lady - face

Me - face

Me - That is so cool that you can wear your Mom's old clothes. How fun is that?
YL - It is really fun. I mean, I can't wear her jeans (she snickers) I have no idea where she got this, probably somewhere in SLC, but ISN"T THIS FUN?

YL - face

Me - face

Young Lady then said the best thing. "You probably don't even remember the 80's though."

Me - Haha, um I'm 48.

YL - face

Me - face

Swiper, No Swiping

I have put off this blog for months. Here I've been, ruminating about it, talking about it in therapy, even suggesting it as part of "homework" to boost the urgency, so maybe the expectation/curiosity of someone else would light the fire I can't seem to light on my own. What is so difficult to admit/express/share on here when I have talked about having my legs in stirrups and speculums and so much more? The answer is dating; why it terrifies me, why I shield myself from the pain of it and why I don't feel worthy of romantic love.

Most everyone has their own grab bag of insecurities to use as talismans from pain. We hold these up (not attractive enough, finances, age, too fat, too thin, imposter syndrome, job security, status) as proof to either not try for a desired goal or as the long long division data that justifies why it will just never happen for you. For myself, I tack on my health to this pile of human mental detritus. My health has turned into not only a bludgeon with which to beat myself but a dome of twisted security. I need to find a way to crack the dome.

I hear it more often than I advertise, "Why are you single?" or "Why don't you date?" The hefty nitty-gritty answer to that would take up many and sundry blog posts, but to attempt a summation; dating is selling yourself and I feel I have a product that comes with too much damage. I can hear the objections already from the people that love me. "You have so much to offer" and "Do you know what a catch you are?" This is about honesty so I will admit this is where the bludgeon comes out and I start the internal tallying of my "Why Would Anyone Volunteer For This Job" list. It is a thing. I do it well. It has served to protect me for nearly twenty years. I don't anticipate it ever going away, fully. What I am trying to see in my future is my striving to lessen its power. That cracking the dome notion I mentioned earlier? I was thinking maybe starting with a dating app.

Now, this is where I get completely frozen with fear. I know nothing about them (the last time I attempted an online date was when I had AOL and it was a disaster) and when I mentioned dating apps to some neighbor friends I got "Don't do it, all they wanna do is f@#k" which wasn't reassuring, in the least. This is the interactive portion of this blog. I await your stories; horror, love, comedy, drama. I want to know if you love or hate dating apps or if indifference rules the day (as it has for me.)

The only promise I am making to myself as of now is that once I collect all the goods from your recommendations/warnings I will at the very least install an app. That is a big-time step for me. This blog is a step for me. I am also thinking of this as possible material for future blogs and other content because my mind goes directly to the learning experience of it all, of course. Then, after I have an actual app installed, there's the next step. Who knows, by this time next year I might know what all this swipe right, swipe left business is.

Quite A Yarn

Blogging about my dreams lately has been a kind of cheat, a shortcut to get me back in the mindset of writing. At all. More like priming the pump of my mind that is scrambled and fuzzy with fear of expressing myself. Also, I think my dreams are fun, interesting, and often more than not, hilarious. So, if my subconscious doesn't interest you, don't bother with this blog today. And, probably others in the future. 🙃😏

My most recent doozy of a dream was about a television pilot called "Cully." It starred a ragtag group of knitters that secretly banded together to stop a worldwide conspiracy, whose main goal was to CULL the entire human race.

The poster for the show had the cast standing armed with their knitting needles, yarn hanging from the ends. They all had fierce faces and CULLY was scrawled atop in red, that dripped.

I'm starting to wonder if my subconscious needs an agent.

Circle Gets The Square

Todd called me early this morning. His kidneys were hurting him terribly. He has been passing a lot of stones and when he hurts he seeks distraction, like I do. First thing I tell him is that I was having a dream where the whole world was playing a game of Tic-Tac-Toe and eveyone was putting up giant X's all over the planet. The Earth was going to win but when the phone rang I never found out what planet we were playing against or who won.

He laughed so hard and then said "I really have no idea what to say to that."

Guess I did my job successfully.

Heidi Hollister Esq.

My Mom was over for the Oscars, and the commercials where Walmart is styling "people behind the scenes" kept playing. I made snarky comments about PA's and coffee and gruntwork and blah blah blah. Red carpet. What are you wearing? Walfart. Then my Mom asks "What's a PA?"

I know in her head she was thinking Physician's Assistant, that would be her go to, so the confusion was natural. Also, she is so sweetly clueless sometimes and never afraid to ask. This fact fills me up with giddy joy. It makes for some great dinner conversations. So when she asked, I snorted a little, then tried to explain they are assistants to directors, actors, and so on. She nodded like she understood, so I left it there.

Last night I was rewatching "Game Of Thrones" before the last season is back in April. I am in season 4 where Pod and Brienne set off together. My parents and Todd are rewatching it too and we compare notes. Then, it hits me.

Today I gave my Mom HER difinitive defintion of a PA.

Me - Hey, remember when you didn't know what a PA was? Well, that's Podrick. A squire.
Mom - Oooooooooh. A squire.
Pause
Mom - I love Podrick. So that's a PA huh? Cool. Got it.

Then we spend the next 10 minutes talking about the origin of the word Esquire.

These are the blocks of memory that build my fortress of life.

Defined by Boutell (d.1877)[edit]

Charles Boutell (1812–1877)^[16] defined the term as

Esquire – A rank next below that of Knight. Besides those Esquires who are personal attendants of Knights of Orders of Knighthood, this title is held by all attendants on the person of the Sovereign, and all persons holding the Sovereign's commission being of military rank not below Captain; also, by general concession, by Barristers at Law, Masters of Arts and Bachelors of Law and Physic.