Rude Awakening

 Scene - My Bedroom 8:34 a.m.

Me - Stirs awake by the odd and confusing noise of someone rapping on the front door.

More furious knocking.

Me - WTF? Why? What?

Me - Gets out of warm bed, puts on glasses and slippers and trudges to the door.

Me - As supposed human knocks numerous times again, I peep through my peep hole.

Me - In my all caps voice "WHO ARE YOU?!"

Who Are You - Laughs and knocks again.

Me - Again, In Bold All Caps "WHO ARE YOU?!"

WAU - Laughs again, thinks it's a joke. Thinks he's funny. "I'm Charles (inferred duh.)"

Me - Still All Bold All Caps Voice "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" 

WAU - Tiniest bit of confusion dances across his face, "Is Olivia here?" Hurriedly messes with phone.

Me - "YOU HAVE THE WRONG APARTMENT AND NEED TO GO AWAY!!!!"

WAU - Trips backwards and never says another word.

Me - Gets back into warm bed. 8:38 a.m.

End Scene.

Just Right

 Me whining to my Mom about my weight and I say the dreaded word Fat.

Mom - You're not fat.

Me - I'm not thin.

Mom - You're just right.

Me - So I'm porridge.

Mom - (laughing) No. 

Me - I'm Baby Bear.

Mom - (laughs more) NO! (then sweetly and profoundly says the thing she thinks will solve all the things) You're Goldilocks. 

Me - I'm an entitled white girl that breaks into people's homes and takes other people's stuff and eats their food.

We both laugh. Hard.

Finally...

Mom - You like things how you like them.

Mom - And you're not fat.

This is why we have Moms.