The Insiders

I have had it in my head to write this for over a month. Fear. Fear stops me every time. It's my biggest hurdle in writing anything, except inside my head. But today the general mood in the world, in the news, in the ether, seemed exceptionally bleak. All I ever want to do with these blogs is reach someone, anyone. And now that we are all where we are, maybe I can help share how I deal with my everyday that isn't so far apart from your new everyday.

The chance that I could spend a month inside my apartment and not go outside, even without a deadly virus changing the landscape of life as we know it, is something I plan for on the regular. It affects how I plan events and how I shop. I could get up off the couch too quickly and dislocate. Turn to put something on the stove while making a meal and dislocate. Rollover in bed and dislocate. It is all that easily done. Then bam, I am down for two weeks, maybe four. So, I always shop like "What if?" Kinda my Mr. Monk mentality: backups for my backups. So when COVID-19 started to even hint at being serious, I was prepared. NOT TOILET PAPER HOARDING PREPARED, just prepared enough for me. Like a rational "adult."

Most of the world does not live like I do. People shop for two weeks, or one. Some even for the meal they are making that night. Some of you don't even cook. Being stuck in your homes without going to your jobs, or out to dinner or movies is so foreign you feel displaced and maybe a bit imprisoned. Maybe at first, it was a novelty. A good time to catch up on that series. Read that book. Maybe it felt like a bit of a vacation. I don't know how many times I have had people say to me "Oh, you are sooooo lucky. You get to stay home and read and watch T.V. all day long." Uhuh. I have seen countless memes lately of "Finished Netflix" and the like. It isn't as fun or as cool as you imagined. I have a friend in mental health and they say they have never been so busy. The stress of being at home with bills, no money, and then the omnipresence of the virus is too much. People are breaking.

The lack of structure from the unavailability of socialization and jobs is forcing people to question their place and purpose. The burden of continued anxiety and money trouble is not helping, at all. I had another friend comment on how she truly didn't understand how much she gained from going to work, not just the money, the going. It is the routine. Now there are posts telling everyone the day of the week because days are running into each other. These are not new concepts for people like me. The "Insiders."

When I was a teenager, my Aunt once told me that humans were all in a race to live. They ran so fast that much of their life ended up a blur. I never forgot that. This is a time to slow down. Thing is, not many were prepared to step off the track.

Some things I have learned during my many years Inside: focus on the small joys, don't compare yourself to others, talk to yourself like you would a best friend and brush your teeth every day. I also watch ASMR videos at night to help me when the pain is too much and I can't turn off my brain. Check-in with your family and friends. A lot. Use Marco-Polo or Face Time. See their faces. I try to find at least three things by the end of the day that made me smile AND /OR I completed. This includes making a meal, any of my music Instagram posts, calling a friend or writing this blog. Hell, making your bed counts.

Things are flipped upside down and inside out. They might be for a good long while. If you need more tips, I'll be here. Inside.

Me Party

I want someone that thinks I am funny, even when I am not. Someone that understands why I try too hard or not at all. Someone that lets me take care of them as much as they take care of me. Someone to whom I dare expose how truly terrified I am. How embarrassed I am. Someone that eats like I do, that laughs like I do, that loves like I do. I need a best friend and I don't need sex, I am so over that. I understand how irrational many of these needs and wants are yet I still need and want. I need to differentiate between wants and needs. I want to be truly vulnerable without the fear of evaporating. I want to stop feeling pain. Feeling alone in my pain.

This is why I write it. This is why I lived with bunnies. Why I will live with bunnies again.

I am my someone right now. And then. And for the foreseeable future. Explains me talking to myself. I felt a peace as I typed that. More than I have recently when I would ruminate on my future "alone" existence.

Guess I want to be my own best friend.

With a Star at the End

The voicemail on my home phone (shock horror I have a landline) remains the same as when I changed it during chemo. I kept thinking how little help my Bunny Boys were when I couldn't get to the phone fast enough (yes, toilet joke) or when I was at the hospital for treatments. I mean what a couple of loafers. Seriously no help at all. Peanut tried to chew my catheter after my Uretal Reimplant surgery because it got in his way but that isn't what this blog is about, it's about my voicemail. And messages left on it.

My outgoing message goes "Hello! You've reached Heidi, Peanut, and Pickle! If Peanut or Pickle could come to the phone right now this wouldn't be happening. Please leave a message! Thank You!" My name is spoken very clearly. As well as two lovely freeloader loves of my life unhelpful bunnies. I have subsequently left my voicemail the same as it is technically true. If they could, they would. 💖🐇

Flash to the present day, and EVERY TIME my therapist's office calls to confirm an appointment and leaves a message.  "Hello, this message is for HEE-DEE." Not Heidi, not Hay-dee, not even Hi-Die (which has happened.) Without fail, HEE-DEE. Is this a new thing where words are being pronounced the opposite of their historical pronunciation? The new fad to LITERALLY change words, i.e literally? It makes me laugh.

Should I try being HeeDeE? Like Sarah Jessica Parker's SanDeE in "L.A. Story?" Just in my head.

Maybe just at my therapist's.

Buying It

Costco Stories

Shopping at Costco with The Moms and a friendly lady stops us, points at our MEGA FULL cart and says "You're spending all of your inheritance!" We all giggle and then I say, "More like MY inheritance!" And we giggle some more.

These are moments I live for. Strive for. Random, silly, human breakthroughs that pierce the veil we use to protect us daily. Sometimes all it takes is a comment, a question, a smile.

Mom with her kiddo in the basket of their cart, eating the sample they just picked up, is next to me and I joke with her "Whaaaaaaat? They have kids on sale today?" She laughs, "Oh yeah, soooooo cheap. Wait, I mean free!"

The Moms and I take breaks when we shop at Costco; my leg, her knee. We sit on the couches or the recliners on display, and not only do we get back some of our energy, we enjoy top notch people watching. Our favorite is peeking into the World of Carts.

You can tell this couple is Keto, this couple is most definitely not. The single guy with only many and various meats probably has a BBQ planned and most likely will not be inviting the young lady in the yoga pants with only protein drinks and a watermelon. So many people and so many carts full of stories.

All this. In one Costco. In one city. In one afternoon.

Blaze On

So, last night after leaving my "Living With Chronic Pain" workshop and all the healthy healing talk about fruits and vegetables, I decided to stop at Maverik for a bag of chips. On my way out of the store, I walked past a twenty-something adorable young lady wearing a bright lime green corduroy half-blazer. Being me, I didn't hesitate to tell her about it.

Me - (being unpolite and pointing right at her) That is the cutest blazer!
Young Lady - OMG! I KNOW RIGHT! It's my Mom's from the '80s.
Young Lady - face

Me - face

Me - That is so cool that you can wear your Mom's old clothes. How fun is that?
YL - It is really fun. I mean, I can't wear her jeans (she snickers) I have no idea where she got this, probably somewhere in SLC, but ISN"T THIS FUN?

YL - face

Me - face

Young Lady then said the best thing. "You probably don't even remember the 80's though."

Me - Haha, um I'm 48.

YL - face

Me - face

Swiper, No Swiping

I have put off this blog for months. Here I've been, ruminating about it, talking about it in therapy, even suggesting it as part of "homework" to boost the urgency, so maybe the expectation/curiosity of someone else would light the fire I can't seem to light on my own. What is so difficult to admit/express/share on here when I have talked about having my legs in stirrups and speculums and so much more? The answer is dating; why it terrifies me, why I shield myself from the pain of it and why I don't feel worthy of romantic love.

Most everyone has their own grab bag of insecurities to use as talismans from pain. We hold these up (not attractive enough, finances, age, too fat, too thin, imposter syndrome, job security, status) as proof to either not try for a desired goal or as the long long division data that justifies why it will just never happen for you. For myself, I tack on my health to this pile of human mental detritus. My health has turned into not only a bludgeon with which to beat myself but a dome of twisted security. I need to find a way to crack the dome.

I hear it more often than I advertise, "Why are you single?" or "Why don't you date?" The hefty nitty-gritty answer to that would take up many and sundry blog posts, but to attempt a summation; dating is selling yourself and I feel I have a product that comes with too much damage. I can hear the objections already from the people that love me. "You have so much to offer" and "Do you know what a catch you are?" This is about honesty so I will admit this is where the bludgeon comes out and I start the internal tallying of my "Why Would Anyone Volunteer For This Job" list. It is a thing. I do it well. It has served to protect me for nearly twenty years. I don't anticipate it ever going away, fully. What I am trying to see in my future is my striving to lessen its power. That cracking the dome notion I mentioned earlier? I was thinking maybe starting with a dating app.

Now, this is where I get completely frozen with fear. I know nothing about them (the last time I attempted an online date was when I had AOL and it was a disaster) and when I mentioned dating apps to some neighbor friends I got "Don't do it, all they wanna do is f@#k" which wasn't reassuring, in the least. This is the interactive portion of this blog. I await your stories; horror, love, comedy, drama. I want to know if you love or hate dating apps or if indifference rules the day (as it has for me.)

The only promise I am making to myself as of now is that once I collect all the goods from your recommendations/warnings I will at the very least install an app. That is a big-time step for me. This blog is a step for me. I am also thinking of this as possible material for future blogs and other content because my mind goes directly to the learning experience of it all, of course. Then, after I have an actual app installed, there's the next step. Who knows, by this time next year I might know what all this swipe right, swipe left business is.