Reception

Today was my six month check-up with Dr. Soisson at Huntsman.  Of course, my wonderful and supportive Mother was there.  I couldn't have done any of this without her.  The visit was hopeful, quick and pretty much painless.  I haven't been using my dialaters so he was teasing me by showing everyone how he had to use the tiniest speculum he had.  Of course there were students and residents in the room so they had to get my back story, check out my scars and radiation tattoos, talk about Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and some of the new issues that go along with having EDS.

Most recently I dislocated my ribs on the left side and I'm just in ridiculous pain.   It was in full force today during my visit, with my left leg as well.  I told him about how my physical therapist has tried to gently put my ribs back into place but ever since then I've had (get ready for it) a buzzing butthole.  A Buzzhole.  So, apparently the song should go "The ribcage's connected to the butthole."  Needless to say, everyone was laughing and he doesn't feel it's connected to my cancer diagnosis.  He feels strongly that if my cancer would have come back it would already have done so.

As I'm at the check out desk waiting for my next appointment I made a joke to my Mom "Well, that was like the WHAM BAM, Thank you ma'am of pelvic exams."  The receptionist starts laughing so hard she starts crying.  We talk about what a great Doc he is and then I say "It's not really appropriate to say he gives great pap, but truth is he does."  She agrees and said you'd rather have people say that than complain.

Then, even after all of that, all the ridiculous amounts of pain I'm in, the grunts and squirming faces, the inappropriate talk and giggling, the receptionist comes back and looks me right in face and declared "You are just so pretty."  It took my breath away. My mouth hung open and then I started to cry. I thanked her and said what a kind thing to say, because for the past two weeks I have felt anything but pretty.

Now I'm home, in bunny hair covered sweats.  Maybe a little high.  But, I tell you all.  I feel beautiful.

Sun Day

Three years ago today I was having cancerous bits of myself cut out my body.

Today I was thoroughly enjoying a play at the Pioneer Theatre, once again my Mom and I being the loudest ones laughing. Today I celebrated World Vegan Day by filling my cart with vegan yumminess at Trader Joe's. Today I listened to stories from my Mother of her family traditions at Christmas and we smiled and laughed some more. Today I was grumpy, today I was sad, today I was silly, today I was grateful, today I was loud, today I was quiet. Today I was.

I don't get to pass stories of my own quirky traditions on to my own children. What I do get to do is share with my friends that are family and family that are friends.

I also get to see the sun set on the Mountains and think of Grandma Hollister. Today. And all the days.

Roomies

I've been on a trip recently, as most of you have seen by my posts spread across Instagram and Facebook. One thing I haven't shared about the trip is actually two major things. My two dearest friends that took time out of their lives to Bunny-Sit the Bunny Boys. Jeanette took the first leg and Mitzi Jo the tail end. They let them both have out/run around times, fed them, watered them, talked to them, gave them treats and they both even brushed Pickle because he's a good shaggy fuzzy boy.

I can't even really and truly convey how much peace of mind it gave me while I was away, so I could truly be in the moment and enjoy my Aunt, Cousin and Mom in a new scenery and get to know them all over again. To be so lucky to have people I love take care here and understand how much I love my guys, is immeasurable.

I highly recommend loving people, going on road trips, laughing, taking alternate routes, trusting, laughing some more, snuggling bunnies and hugging. Oh, and smiling is my favorite.

Loose Change/Dirty Thoughts

In a store aisle yesterday and a worker comes over and starts making plans with another worker about changing the displays. She says "Here's where Mark and I want to have a Four-Way."

I lose it. Just bust up. I look at the woman and say "From here that sounds mighty interesting." Worker pauses, puts her hand over her mouth, doubles over in laughter and finally responds "Guess I should check what I say around customers better." Me - "At least the ones with filthy minds."

The two workers left to the next aisle. I could hear them giggling and one whispered "that was so funny I can't stand it."

A Day

Today is a day. Just your average wonderfully ordinary Sunday where people do things like have lunch, watch television, have birthdays (Hey Michelle!) eat, breath, walk, talk, sleep and then start out all over again tomorrow.

Today is also the anniversary of when my Stephie stopped being alive. Nine years ago. I know it's not the big ten, that is usually the one to get marked, but something happened recently that got me missing her even more than usual. I was spending time with Sissy's kids and I started to tell a story that involved Stephie when only her oldest Taysie remembered her. I felt gutted. No spark, no tiny piece of memory from them. Nothing.

They are missing out on her and she on them. The giggles, the jokes, all the family parties with the wretched verses of Happy Birthday that can make your ears bleed. Her tiny feet and hands. Her smile. Purple, always purple.

It's tragically and beautifully strange, because her funeral was during the time of Hurricane Katrina, and I kept thinking how lucky we were to have her body to bury. Now, every year the anniversary of Katrina and all of that misery is mixed with those memories of sitting next to her special purple casket and being so grateful, and now it is mixed with such longing and sadness for everyone that doesn't get to carry the silly and fun memories of her around with them everyday.

Some may want to comfort me with platitudes of how it was her time or she's in a better place. Don't. I'm comfortable being uncomfortable about My Stephie no longer being alive. What does give me comfort is sharing stories of her, remembering her, and being here to love and enjoy all the things of life I know she would. Each and every day.

Face Forward

I had severely crooked teeth while growing up. My mouth, which has been measured to be 10 millimeters too small (yes Miss Big Mouth in actuality has a tiny mouth) couldn't hold all of my teeth properly so four of them had to be pulled as well as my so called wisdom teeth (we can surmise that all of my potential wisdom was extracted with them.) As all of you that know me, not much that has to do with my body goes smoothly so the pulling of the four teeth was an ordeal. They broke off so they had to cut open my gums and pull them out root first which made healing take so much longer and the ultimate goal of braces so much further away. The correction of my crooked teeth didn't happen until freshman year of high school, so I had years and years of the habit of covering my mouth every time I smiled or laughed. My brother used to swipe away my hands in an effort to retrain me. Even then he saw what I would do to hide myself. I hated any and all pictures. I hated smiling without my hand over my mouth.

As a teenager it felt like the world was picking on me. Giving me another thing on top of all the things. Being a teenage girl, in this beauty obsessed culture, surrounded by such pretty friends (I secretly hatched a plot to get less attractive friends so I could be the Queen of the Uglies) you constantly measure yourself. We, I, still do it. Facebook, Instagram, Selfie Sundays... #NoFilter, it's the same. The saying "Put your best face forward" in this society that makes snap judgements, either giving credit for beauty from the lottery of birth and then conversely assigning blame for unattractiveness. I was doing it. I do still, with Thor.

Truth is, to have a face at all, an actual functioning face with teeth and a nose and lips and both eyes and both ears without a terrible malformation that you can utilize to communicate with the other people in your life if you are lucky enough to have some is not only more than some people have, THAT is putting your best face forward.

So many people tell me I have a terrific or a beautiful smile now. It doesn't have anything to do with my teeth, or the years of braces and headgear. It's because when I smile I mean it.