The One With The Friend In It

The person I thought was my best friend since I was five years old dumped me through a FB message. Cut me out of her's, the husband's, and her five kid's lives that I nannied since they were born.  I had finally stood up to her when I refused to take her warped "The Secret" brained bullshit and believe her new insanity about people in a local shooting that "drew the bullets and the shooter" to them with their negativity.

Negativity was to blame for everything: your poverty, your job or lack of, your relationship or lack of, and then the biggie - your health. 

Sadly, I allowed her to shame me for years. Decades even. For not being thin enough, outgoing enough, healthy enough, just not enough. I was always loyal. That's how I'm made. I NEVER competed with her because there was no point. Her own sister-in-law once told me that was the only way we had ever remained friends, because I never tried to compete. 

She even changed her major to mine mid way through Sophomore year and started working at the English department. All the while, I struggled with my health, always wanting and waiting for her to understand. Basically all I wanted was for her to give me absolution for not being up to her standards. 

It never came and only AFTER she removed me from her life did I accept the responsibility of allowing her to treat me that way for so long. I had so much more say than I realized. Also, I was relieved. I am still relieved. Her decision ended up being the biggest gift. For both of us.

Not having her in my life is such a release. Doesn't mean I never miss the extended family that I loved. Doesn't mean I don't still have a hollow where I held space for her most of my life. And yet, I'm so grateful. Not too long after getting dumped, I realized that the loss of the kids was the worst part. I fill each hollow with all the jokes, songs, smiles, and the best of the memories, knowing that I will never allow any treatment like this to happen again.  

Now, I do my best to be the bestest best friend to myself first. Doesn't always stick. But, I'm learning. Every day. That way, when I'm that level of friends with myself first, it's soooooo much easier, and a hell of a lot more fun to be any level of friend with me.