A year ago yesterday was my diagnosis of stage 1b2 Adenocarcenoma Cervical Cancer. A year ago today, the very first thought in my head as I woke up in the morning was "I have cancer." That wasn't the first thought I had this morning, as I rolled over on my hip that was dislocated during my last surgery as a result to fix all the fall out from having cancer in my body, and the pain woke me up, the first thought I had was "ouch." I don't have the cancer, but I still have a lot of physical and emotional pain to deal with. The "Now What" stage of it all is such a strange and ambiguous arena. My brother took me and my parents all out to all you eat sushi (mine was veggie) for the anniversary and knowing that not so long ago I couldn't even eat a bowl of soup, for me, was quite staggering. I wore one of the hats that my wonderful aunt Ruthie's knitting group had made for me in preparation for my head to be bald from the chemo, in recognition of making it this far, and with hair. I tried to wear it with silent pride, yet something was off with me all day.
I went home, took my new medrol dose pack for my TMJ, cleaned bunny cages, watched Horrible Bosses and then settled down to dare to watch a movie I hadn't been ready to watch for over a year. 50/50. If you don't know about it, Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a young man that gets cancer and has 50/50 odds of surviving. I only have two complaints; at one point he sees a gurney in the hallway of the hospital with a body-bag on it and unless you got really REALLY lost in the bowels of the hospital, you are not going to see that and the other is one night after chemo he is sitting on the steps just waiting for his ride... you are so sick after chemo, sitting on a curb at night could secure you a hospital room. Other than that, I saw my own story, I saw Stephie's and ultimately near the end I ended up in the fetal position in a cackling sob. My eyes are still red.
My Mother had a dream while she and my Dad were away on their hunting/camping trip. In the dream she was mad at me for some unknown reason but Stephie stepped in and was defending me. I told her I had been silently, secretly questioning to myself if Dad was regretful that I was living and Stephie wasn't. She warned me it wasn't healthy to go there, but I know that these are survivor's thoughts and I shouldn't be afraid of them. My Mom just loves me, and is so happy for my life, she doesn't want me to suffer needlessly, even under my own thoughts.
This year has been so busy, so full. So full of appointments, car trips, surgeries, meeting new people, missing people, getting to know people better, getting to know myself better and trying to find the perfect hand hold on life. I haven't found it yet. But the amazing thing is to know I have more time to keep trying for it.