But First A Selfie

Anyone ever get ready, in their own bathroom in front of their own mirror and then go "Hey, I actually look kinda cute today."

Moments later you're out in the car getting ready to go wherever you're going and you think "okay, I'll take a damn selfie. I looked pretty cute."

The following is a conversation I had with the camera on my phone.

Me - What the hell? I looked cute inside just a minute ago.

Phone Camera - Uh yeah, that was inside. Bathroom lighting you dork.

Me - But now, my hair looks flat, my face looks fat, and my skin! Are you doing this on purpose?

CP - It's called NATURAL LIGHTING. They don't call it the Cold Light Of Day for nothing.

Me - Excuse me, it's 90°.

CP - At least something's hot!

Me - This is why people put filters on you.

 

 

 

 

Hopelessly Devoted

I wanted to be three things when I was young: Charlie Bucket, an astronaut/ballerina (sure technically that's two but I make the rules) and most of all, I wanted to be Olivia Newton-John.

My neighbors and I would "play" Grease. How does someone "play" Grease you ask? Great question, I'll tell you.

First you need your neighbor's mother's old pantyhose. About three pairs. Then you cut holes in the side of the control top of each pair of panty hose that have runs and tears and old nail polish on the runs so that when you and your two friends step into the hose and pull them up to your chest the control top is now a tube top and the panty hose section is a demented taupe "Solid Gold" wannabe dance costume, with 80s flowered little girl undies bunching up underneath.

THEN - you sing and dance and dance and sing and sing and giggle and sing to the Grease album.

I would always "play" Sandy because my hair feathered. Like I said, I made the rules.

I sang all the lines (even if it wasn't my turn I still sang it quietly.)

I was really good at playing Grease.

I will never stop wanting to be Olivia Newton-John.

 

 

 

Nicole

 

Tuesday I had my last session with my longtime therapist Nicole. She is leaving her job to become a fulltime (and first-time) Mom. There were many tears (by me of course) and lots of laughter. Just in that session alone. Nicole carries pieces of me that no one else will ever carry. I am forever grateful to her.

We were trying to summarize the years, find any way to say goodbye, and send each other off into our lives without being ridiculously awkward.

Nicole - You are such a unique person. In the best way possible. If (insert new therapist name here) doesn't recognize that...

Me - You know where they work?!

Much much laughter.

Yes, my heart is broken. Yes, I know I will be okay. But maybe today, I will allow myself this sadness.

There is time later for blossoming.

 

 

 

 

Butting In

Dream update - not only are a small percentage of my dreams being narrated but they are going to great lengths to construct sight gags. 

Last night/ early this morning there was a scenario, or scene if you will, since this dream's basic construction was like a stage play, where a couple were lounging on a couch. But then there were a series of quick cuts and in each new shot they'd changed positions - more slouched, more legs akimbo, more and more chaos of legs and arms and crumpled cushions, until the next to final shot had the female stand up and leave what I thought were her legs behind. 

BUT NO! The couch was covered with mannequin parts, mostly legs and butts. Higher percentage of butts. All this draped over the slouched sleeping medieval costumed man (forgot that part.)

THEN, the narration pipes in "NO MORE BUTS."

My unconscious went to a lot of trouble for that joke. 

Rude Awakening

 Scene - My Bedroom 8:34 a.m.

Me - Stirs awake by the odd and confusing noise of someone rapping on the front door.

More furious knocking.

Me - WTF? Why? What?

Me - Gets out of warm bed, puts on glasses and slippers and trudges to the door.

Me - As supposed human knocks numerous times again, I peep through my peep hole.

Me - In my all caps voice "WHO ARE YOU?!"

Who Are You - Laughs and knocks again.

Me - Again, In Bold All Caps "WHO ARE YOU?!"

WAU - Laughs again, thinks it's a joke. Thinks he's funny. "I'm Charles (inferred duh.)"

Me - Still All Bold All Caps Voice "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" 

WAU - Tiniest bit of confusion dances across his face, "Is Olivia here?" Hurriedly messes with phone.

Me - "YOU HAVE THE WRONG APARTMENT AND NEED TO GO AWAY!!!!"

WAU - Trips backwards and never says another word.

Me - Gets back into warm bed. 8:38 a.m.

End Scene.

Just Right

 Me whining to my Mom about my weight and I say the dreaded word Fat.

Mom - You're not fat.

Me - I'm not thin.

Mom - You're just right.

Me - So I'm porridge.

Mom - (laughing) No. 

Me - I'm Baby Bear.

Mom - (laughs more) NO! (then sweetly and profoundly says the thing she thinks will solve all the things) You're Goldilocks. 

Me - I'm an entitled white girl that breaks into people's homes and takes other people's stuff and eats their food.

We both laugh. Hard.

Finally...

Mom - You like things how you like them.

Mom - And you're not fat.

This is why we have Moms.